The Internal Male Gaze
The mental block between you and your authentic self
We’ve been conditioned to see ourselves through the lens of men. The internal male gaze can have us wanting to be appealing, even if there is none we actually want to attract.
There are certain mannerisms or thoughts we have that stem from the subconscious belief, ingrained through the patriarchy, that part of our existence should be dedicated to pleasing or attracting a man. So we start doing them even if none are around.
It could be trying to seem detached from emotions so you don’t appear clingy in a romantic relationship, wanting to enhance a certain body part, listening to a specific music genre etc, etc.
The male gaze is not just about wanting to seem attractive from a man’s standpoint even when none is present; it is also feeling bad about yourself when you don’t correspond to that idea of attractiveness you think you need to reach.
I was debating with a friend over this on facetime. It was late, and we were both bare-faced, in sweats and dookie braids for the night. I asked her if she would be comfortable if a guy she was dating saw her in this natural state. While she was okay with friends, family and even strangers seeing her like this, the idea that a romantic partner would made her uncomfortable.
It’s that feeling of discomfort she expressed that stems from the male gaze. Yes it’s normal to want to look attractive for someone you like, but why are we made to feel a bit shameful that we don’t correspond to that all the time?
We know that even if in that moment we don’t look our best, that doesn’t define us. But according to the internal male gaze, we should be sexy at all times, intentionally and effortlessly. It’s exhausting.
Of course, we’ve been aware of this for ages, and now many make a point to rebel against it, through embracing body hair, shaving their head or wearing baggy clothes.
The issue is, even trying to subvert away from the male gaze is still centering men within your intentions. It still comes down to reflecting on a man’s wants.
Moving away from the internal male gaze is not to do something even if a man won’t like it. It’s to do something because you like it, whether or not a man will find it attractive.
We all know that being beautiful is not just about physical appearance. It’s about committing to your authenticity and really just doing you. It can be a challenge but that confidence and integrity is what makes your vibrations attractive. And often it is women who will recognize and celebrate these traits when they manifest, hence why a compliment from a woman means so much more than from a man.
What women find beautiful is auras, it is more than what meets the eye. It’s sex appeal, and doing so assertively. It’s adopting an artistic and creative approach to enhancing your looks. It’s being unapologetic.
Learning about the internal male gaze is destabilizing. I question how much of my feminine tendencies are innate and which ones are a byproduct of patriarchal conditioning.
At this point it does not matter. If I like it and it makes me feel good, I’m satisfied. Because for every positive characteristic accorded to women, there is a negative one to contrast it. We’re posted to lose either way to the patriarchy, so why even try to succeed?
